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Mutual biblical responsibilities of Christian married couples are never to be ignored if they are to enjoy the marital bliss that God has promised (Psalm 128). Here is a continuation of this topic that I began sharing with you last Lord’s Day.

• A forgiving, restoring attitude to the other: Offences and deep hurts can occur in marital relationships. If resentment occurs (which undoubtedly will), one should avoid going to sleep in displeasure – “let not the sun go down upon your wrath” (Eph. 4:26). God’s Word teaches us not to entertain bitterness against each other, but always to extend tenderness and mercy to forgive and reconcile. If matters are not handled with understanding and compassion, quarrelling and brawling will ensue, and the house will be full of malice and disquiet. Though admonishing each other is necessary, it should be done with wisdom, gentleness and prayer. If there are provocations from the other, be mindful to avoid rudeness and retaliation. Do not engage in fault-finding, nagging, harassment, threatening; never lay violent hands on each other. If the other behaves badly, show patience and forbearance so that the misbehaving person may not wax worse. “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Eph. 4:31-32). God’s Word forbids vindictiveness and retaliation (Rom. 12:17-19). We should also refrain from slandering each other before others.
  
  Swinnock, a Puritan preacher, said, “[T]o procure a quiet life, the husband must be deaf, and the wife blind. Sure it is, the man must not bear to declare it abroad, nor the wife sees to say it among her gossips whatever is amiss at home if they would live in peace.” A rift between a husband and wife is half-settled when it is kept within the house, with prayers and dedication to resolve the contention lovingly. But when it is announced publicly in the ears of others, it will be like a rotten, septic sore that is hard to be cured. Christian couples must, at all costs, refrain from hardening their hearts against each other, leading to retribution, separation and divorce. Christ, our Lord, did reprimand the hard-hearted conduct that led to the dissolution of marriages (Matt. 19:8; Mk. 10:5-9). Just as God expected the prophet Hosea to show mercy and restorative love to his adulterous wife, which was to be a picture of God’s patience and reinstating love towards His disobedient people, there must be a willingness to forbear and forgive. Spiritually strong and mature persons would be tolerant and enduring in their spousal relationship, showing divine kindness and forgiveness to each other (Gal. 6:1; Prov. 16:32; Rom. 12:21; 1 Pet. 3:9).
  
• A prayerful nourishing of each other: The husband and wife, “being heirs together of the grace of life”, are exhorted to maintain their attitudes towards each other in such a way “that your prayers be not hindered” (1 Peter 3:7b). If husband and wife live together without mutual respect and affection, their united prayer will be cut off. Living in a house with conflicts, jealousies, bickering and altercations is detrimental to the spirit of prayer. God expects all believing spouses to conduct themselves with honourable attitudes towards each other so that their prayers together will not be hindered. Christian couples must be diligent in praying together and for each other. They must seek the Lord’s guidance, provisions and protection. They must yield in prayer to do God’s will as His servants. God must be sought, trusted and obeyed. “Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it… It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows” (Psalm 127:1-2a). Without God’s help and blessings, their labour to build up their families is in vain.
  
  Praying to God that you may prosper and succeed in your individual roles and duties to each other, and in collective labour for Him within and without the house, is necessary. Prayer and labour must go together so that you may flourish in God’s purposes. To labour in the house and not pray, would be a life without God and His blessings. May it never be a case of “ye have not, because ye ask not” (James 4:2b). Pray at God’s mercy seat for each other’s spiritual progress, steadfastness and triumph over all temptations and trials. Pray also that you will be a blessing to the other and, together, a blessing to the rest of the family and to God’s people everywhere.
  
• A commitment to show benevolence to each other: “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife to the husband” (1 Corinthians 7.3). What precisely is “due benevolence”? The word ‘due’ literally refers to a payment of the debt due or an obligation of duty that is due. What debt (or duty) does the husband and wife owe to each other? Benevolence! [Some modern English versions of the Bible omit this word. The Greek word for “benevolence” (εὔνοια) is specifically mentioned in the Textus Receptus (Majority Text) of the Greek New Testament]. “Benevolence” is deep-felt love towards the other in action through kind deeds. Due benevolence is a debt of goodwill or kindness in action.
  
  Christian husbands and wives must know their biblical debts or duties, and readily and joyfully render them to each other. Both husband and wife should focus on their own God-given duties to the other. The mutual duties of the married couple are far more than engaging in a sexual relationship; they also entail a mutual rendering of loving concern, submission, reverence, care, meekness, forgiveness, etc. It is a two-way debt. None should leave his or her spouse to care for himself or herself. God has given every married individual the duty of loving and caring for the spouse. They have a mutual debt to encourage, correct, comfort, provide for, guide and protect each other. In these days, far too little help flows from one towards the other. More and more understanding, awareness, companionship and support should be extended to each other. Many married couples spend their time and energy pursuing fortune, fitness and fame. Their sentiments are not sufficiently directed to each other as taught by Scripture concerning the building up of each other and of their relationship in the Lord. Misspent emotions and energy render them incapable of genuine love and powerless to pay due benevolence to each other. Thus, many marriages are deprived of marital joys, harmony and peace. Ask yourself, “Do I make my wife or my husband happy?” This is an essential part of the benevolence which is due. “Do I do my part to make my family life peaceable, enjoyable and pleasant?” “Do I provide companionship and friendship that are sanctifying, pleasing and uplifting to my spouse?”

May all Christian husbands and wives cultivate a divine sense of duty to the other whom He has provided for them to love and cherish. Let there be mutual appreciation and never-failing fondness and courtesy. With unceasing acts of sacred love and kindness towards each other, let us strengthen our marital union for the glory of our Saviour, Jesus Christ.

God expects Christian couples to nurture their relationship according to His counsel. From time to time, our own sins and Satan’s cunning and cruel devices can leave our marital relationships in great peril. To prevent Christians’ marriages from being victimised by sins and Satan, our Sovereign Lord, in His Word, has given husbands and wives peculiar duties, which they owe to each other.

Failure to perform biblical duties not only engenders matrimonial disunity, but also bring great dishonour to the LORD and the church. Scripture reminds every Christian couple that their life together as husband and wife is to be a witness to the relationship of Christ and the church. “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church” (Eph. 5:31-32).

The well-being of every marriage is assured if the man and his wife fulfil their duties as defined by the Scriptures. So, knowing marital duties and taking every care not to neglect God-given duties within marriage is necessary. The Lord has commanded, “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6). Not working to foster matrimonial unity and togetherness is disregarding God who has joined them in marriage. Neither the husband nor the wife should undo the marriage; rather, with God’s help, they should build up their marriage in obedience to God.

The Mutual Duties Between Husband and Wife

• A special, sweet love for the other must be maintained passionately and persistently, for it is demanded in the Scriptures (cf. Eph. 5:25, 28; Col. 3:19; Tit.2:4). The marital love for each other is more special than the common love for parents, brothers, sisters, or friends. Husband and wife ought to always express deep and profound love towards each other. She ought to be “the wife of thy bosom” (Deut 13:6; 28:54). “The wife of thy youth” is always to be regarded as “the wife of thy covenant” (Mal. 2:14). The man must always think of his wife with loving affection, and so should the wife love her husband (Titus 2:4). The husband’s love for the wife should be like that of Christ – “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it” (Ephesians 5:25). Like Christ, the husband must love his wife at all times, in all circumstances. His attitude, speech and actions towards her must be flavoured with love. Love must be the reason for his reproofs, admonitions and instructions. Such love will set aside disappointments and bitterness caused by the flaws and sins of the spouse, and work to sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the Word (Eph. 5:26). Genuine love covers the sins of the other, and seeks to restore, refresh and renew with the truth and wisdom of God’s Word. True love that originates from the Saviour and Lord is not retaliatory, but restorative. A tender-hearted outpouring of love into each other’s bosoms will express plenty of forgiveness and dearness. It overcomes hurts, and then ministers grace with patience and diligence to the other. Such mutual affection will produce fresh and beautiful fruits of marital love that bespeak the mystery of Christ’s love for the church.
  
• A cheerful care for one another must always be expressed without hesitation. “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it…” (Eph. 5:28-29). Just as a man expects care and honour from his spouse and others, he must show genuine care for his spouse by nourishing and cherishing her, both spiritually and physically. Negligence and abandonment of the spouse are forbidden and not worthy of a Christian. The spouse’s spiritual growth and physical well-being are God-given marital duties. While the husband provides the overall care for the wife and the family, the wife is to be his helpmeet, as God has designed for her to function. The wife is to be with her husband as his suitable help (Gen. 2:18, cf. 3:12), and also a keeper of the house in loving and nurturing the children (Titus 2:4). Every Christian wife should conduct herself in such a fashion that she is presented as a favour which her husband has obtained from the LORD. Mutual tender care between husband and wife is expected of them by God.
  
• A humble and mutually honouring relationship with the other is in order. Scripture calls Christian wives to live submissively with their husbands. “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord” (Eph. 5:22; cf. Eph. 5:24; Col. 3:18; Titus 2:5; 1 Peter 3:1-6). Wives’ submission to their husbands is commanded, even in cases where their husbands have been unreasonable, profane and ungodly. The motivation and strength for the manifestation of humility and submissiveness are drawn by looking at the glorious Christ, rather than at the conduct and disposition of their husbands (cf. 1 Peter 3:1; 1 Cor 7:13-16). It is unbecoming of Christian women to be quarrelsome, domineering, abusive and violent. Such women inflict great pain and trouble upon their husbands; instead of being “a crown” to their husbands, they become “as rottenness” in their husbands’ bones (Proverbs 12:4). Christian wives ought to be meek, gentle, submissive and obedient to their husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. The husbands too are expected to be gentle, helpful and honouring to their wives. “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel…” (1 Pet. 3:7). Husbands ought to understand the weakness of their wives and be sensitive to their deepest physical and emotional needs. As heads of their wives, husbands are not to be tyrannical, intolerant or unforgiving. Every husband should be like Joseph who, though deeply troubled in his heart, cared for Mary’s reputation and was “not willing to make her a publick example” (Matt. 1:19). Christian husbands should refrain from bringing public shame to their wives. Instead, he must patiently and gently seek to guide her to virtue and honour. When both husbands and wives seek to honour one another in Christ, as Christians are instructed (Rom. 12:10; 1 Cor 12:23-24), their marriage will be honourable before God and all men.

More of the biblical duties of the married Christians will be addressed, God willing, in next week’s bulletin. Where the husband and wife perform their God-given duties, there will be a happy family of peace, virtue and honour.

God’s intended purpose for the married woman is that she will be, first and foremost, the “helpmeet” of her husband (Gen. 2:18), as well as a joyful mother of their children and the keeper of the house (Psalms 113:9; 128:3; Prov. 31:10-31; 1 Timothy 5:14; Titus 2:4-5). The primary realm of her work assigned by God is in the home. Scripture expects her to manage the affairs of the house for the well-being of her husband and her children. The overwhelming and clear teaching of Scripture concerning godly women is that the primary realm of their work and activity ought to be in and around their homes. Of course, this does not prevent them from going out of the house for necessary personal and family matters, for helping the poor, and for fulfilling God-given abilities and obligations. Nonetheless, God expects godly men to labour to provide for the family (Psalm 128:1-2; 1 Tim. 5:8; cf. Gen 3:19), and their wives to keep the home with joy and dedication. God has commissioned women, and not men, to be keepers of the house.

One classic biblical example that a Christian wife or mother can follow is the virtuous woman of Proverbs 31. Undoubtedly, her first place of work was her home, and her first concern was the household tasks. When she occasionally went out of the house to buy household goods (vv. 13-14) or to sell things she made at home (v. 24), she was not engaging in a profession, like the modern career woman who leaves home daily for most of her waking hours. She spent much of her time working daily within and around the house (vv. 15-22, 27), caring for her family members and poor neighbours (v. 20). Even though she had maids to do household tasks, she laboured much at home to supervise and provide for the needs of her family (making clothes, preparing / serving food, and engaging in other household chores), and support the poor neighbours. She would wake up very early, even before sunrise, to start her work at home. Her regular daytime work was at her own home and its vicinity – not in other people’s farms or industries, managing or running their businesses. She was far from the modern-day career (or business) woman who works during most of the waking hours of the day elsewhere, away from the house. It is not to say that she had never gone out of her house. She would go out to do marketing or carry out needful transactions (vv. 13-14, 24), but the base of her daily work was her home. In her family, she was the manager of household chores. She did it with commitment and dignity. She did not leave the care of the house to her husband, so as to pursue a career or business herself. In fact, her husband was a man of great responsibility in society. His place among the council of elders at the city gate is particularly mentioned (v. 23). There is no indication that her husband was a “stay-home” husband while she went out to be a career woman (a proposition not found in the Scriptures). The virtuous woman of Proverbs 31 was, first and foremost, a keeper (or manager) of her house who cared for her husband and children, as well as the poor and needy.

Today, with many modern facilities at their disposal, young Christian wives think they can take care of their families without spending much time at home. So, many young Christian women choose to be career women instead of keepers at home. Often, they fail to consider the mental, emotional, and physical stress and fatigue to which they fall prey. They return home (after work) most of the evenings drained of their mental and physical energy, struggling to attend to the needs and challenges of family life. Many crucial matters concerning the care and support for the husband, as well as the nurturing of the children, go unnoticed and are left unattended. Often, this results in family members falling prey to spiritual dangers and disunity. Young wives ought to be sober (cf. Titus 2:4) concerning their God-given priorities in life. They should not unwisely spend time and effort in activities outside the home (whether they be job, business, leisure, or other forms of service), which would result in dereliction of God-given responsibilities and duties at home. They must give their very best (and not ‘leftover’) to the loving care of their husbands and children. It is of great importance that all family members maintain a genuine desire to obey and honour the Lord and His Word, in order for the blessings and glory of the Lord to crown our homes. Husbands must give biblical advice to their wives, and encourage them with the prayer that they may joyfully fulfil their God-given duties at home. Let no husband reverse the roles God has assigned to each family member. Husbands’ duty at home is not to change God-given responsibilities, but to instruct everyone at home to adhere to God’s counsels.

The presence and toil of every godly woman in the home is a favour that God provides for her husband and her children (Proverbs 18:22; 19:14). Women are created to help their husbands and tenderly nourish their children for the glory of God. It is a matter that Scripture has emphatically taught both in the Old and New Testaments. It is a timeless truth that God has given in His Word to bless every godly family. None should tamper with it! Titus 2:4-5 exhorts us that we should adhere to the instructions concerning married young women to be chaste, be obedient to their own husbands, be lovers of their husbands and children, and be keepers at home, so “that the word of God be not blasphemed”. The unmistakable indication here is that we should not disregard the warning given by the apostle Paul that the Word of God will be blasphemed (or defamed) by married young women doing otherwise. When we neglect God-given counsel, we will dishonour God and His truth. The apostle Paul issues a similar caution in his first letter to Timothy, “I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully. For some are already turned aside after Satan” (1 Tim. 5:14-15). Where God’s will is spurned, Satan’s will is pursued. May our homes be a place where God’s Word is always honoured and every satanic, worldly idea opposed.